changes

Not that my original intention of blogging about my experience of integrating my sexuality and faith has changed–au contraire. In fact, the more time and energy I spend developing my relationship with Christ and His Church, the less important that becomes and (thank God!) the more room I find in my soul for things that really matter, namely other people.

In the last year, I’ve donated time and money to the homeless. Started working with Amnesty International. Helped distribute food to those in need. Spent more time in prayer.

Now those are accomplishments, so if I spend more time focusing on that work, well I suppose that was the intention all along. After all, the blog is called “decrease” for a reason. Maybe for once in my life I’m starting to get something right. Peace!

Sexual immorality, linguistics, and hope

So the theme of significant Bible passages continues this week. Last night I was asked to read at mass and lo and behold! I got to read this passage…

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (I Corinthians 6:9-11, New American Version).

This is one of those verses that I would have taken umbrage to just a few years ago. It seems, at first, to be a rather harsh criticism from St. Paul towards persons with SSA. Of course, it must be noted that the word “homosexual” wasn’t coined until the 19th century (OED) and there is still some debate about what exactly St. Paul was referring to, i.e. pederasty, or prostitution, but it seems to me that in light of Jesus’ teachings on the subject, any sex outside the sacrament of marriage would have been sinful, so I don’t know why homosexual activity needed to be singled out. But that is not really my point.

So you have a list of sinful behaviors that St. Paul decries, and it just so happens that homosexual activity is one of them. So? It’s not as if St. Paul has declared homosexual activity “unforgivable” or especially vile. It is simply another behavior that separates people from God, and as such it must be abandoned. Just like being a drunk. Or a swindler. Or a gossip. Or a thief. We’re all just sinners, trying to get along with God. So wherefore all the fire and brimstone in regards to homosexual activity in the evangelical media? It’s just another in a long list of sins, no more or less harmful to a person’s relationship to God than gossiping. Than gossiping!

I bring this up because so many of us are just racked with guilt about our sexuality and we punish ourselves endlessly because we think that somehow that suffering will redeem us, cleanse us. But it’s so unnecessary and really it is quite dramatic. Here are the facts that most scholars can agree upon:

1. Homosexual activity has been occurring throughout history 2. St. Paul addresses (among others) persons who sin by engaging in homosexual activity 3. Homosexual activity is no more or less sinful than any other sexual activity that occurs outside of the sacrament of marriage 4. Celibacy was valued by both Jesus and St. Paul.

So it’s no big deal. Homosexual acticity (not an orientation!) is sinful and must be avoided. Just like all the other sins. And the Churches at Rome and Corinth both had members who at some time had engaged in homosexual activity. So let’s look at that verse one more time, this time with the verse that immediately follows…

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

And that last verse means everything: Washed. Sanctified. Justified.

The Church is open to all, even those of us who are homosexual, even those of us who are prostitutes. And no amount of self-inflicted suffering, narcissism, or guilt can cleanse us. Only the love and mercy of Christ Jesus can do that–indeed it has been done. We must find the courage to embrace that sanctification.

the body as living sacrifice

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. ROMANS 12: 1-3 New American Standard Bible

This passage was one of the readings last week and it jumped out at me immediately, and it has continued to resonate with me around every corner. Twice I have heard priests mention the need for “redemptive suffering” this week and twice I have heard discussions about our society’s use of sex as currency. It’s difficult to disagree–I see clothing lines marketing provocative clothing to children, and movies glorifying underage sex as cool. Take the recent film Superbad. Look at the Limited Too. It disturbs me to think how much pornography children have access to these days. But I’m not going to help change the world unless I first change myself. So how do I go about that?

Making my body a living sacrifice… there is some quality in me that yearns for this, that has always yearned for this, although I do not know fully how to express it. I’ve no intention of being dramatic or harmful to myself like those who whip, cut, or mutilate themselves–that seems to me to be a gross misreading of the text, though I wager there are plenty who adopt practices such as those.

Celibacy, I think, is a starting point, and it helps to make the body clean and (in my experience) decreases obsessions with sex. Jesus taught the virtue of celibacy (Matthew 19:12) as did St. Paul (1 Corinthians 7:1-9) and we are so fortunate to have a long history of priests and religious who serve as shining examples of what it can mean to offer one’s chastity to God. It isn’t easy, hence the element of sacrifice. Other deprivations seem fitting as well: vows of silence, fasts from internet, tv, or music, rigid diets and exercise. All of these things perfect not only our bodies but our minds as well, and they seem to me to be very pleasing to God.

Then there is work. I will be looking for a new job next year and I cannot escape the notion that my first priority must be to secure work that allows me to continue developing myself spiritually and leaves me free to serve the Church. Never mind retirement or benefits or fat paychecks…Am I brave enough to take that road?

my so-called sex life

After a somewhat leisurely summer, I am now returning to my project here at saved by zero. School is beginning again (today, in fact) so I will be busy with two research-intensive classes, a full-time job, and it looks like I might be helping to teach adult formation in my parish. I am going to try my best to keep up with my blogging, and I anticipate that my work with the parish will contribute greatly to my research here.

I’ve just passed the one-year mark of adopting a policy of voluntary celibacy–I feel like I should celebrate. with a dinner party. Of course, most of my friends find it strange and they tend to pity me, but I think I’m doing well with it so far. Here’s a little TMI –before I started getting serious about celibacy, I used to spend a great deal of time thinking about and trying to acquire sex–it occupied a significant place in my mind at all times. Masturbation, pornography, fantasy–I indulged in all of them to some extent, although I never regarded myself as a person with a problem other than a lack of discipline. I’m just now beginning to see the amount of money, time, and energy I wasted on the “sexual distraction”.

Now I am not claiming that my sex drive is diminished or that I’ve got some mystical power now that I’m restraining myself, but it does seem that the less I indulge, the less I obsess. It’s not 100% foolproof just yet but I’m heading in the right direction. Of course I’m also getting my first taste of real loneliness–I often substituted meaningless sex for genuine intimacy and now that I no longer have that defense I see the reason why I used it in the first place.

In other matters, I am eagerly anticipating my role as facilitator with the adult formation class. Teaching calls to me, and I hope that I’m in touch enough with both current culture (to keep it interesting and relevant) and Church theology (to keep it accurate). I attended a book study last year and let me say that it was the most boring thing I have experienced since the watching the news as a child. We had a discussion each week, (that was more of a lecture than a workshop), and watched some horrifically outdated videos which made Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood look like a Quentin Tarantino film. It was awful, awful stuff. I’m going to try my best to avoid that route.

delays and distractions

I’ve been completely submerged in Shakespeare and literary criticism for the last few weeks, but I am getting back on track. I will be visiting California over the next week so I will be able to blog from the beach!

loneliness

1 a: being without company : lone b: cut off from others : solitary 2: not frequented by human beings : desolate 3: sad from being alone : lonesome4: producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation

These are the definitions offered by Merriam-Webster.

I keep reading books by teachers and mystics who claim that the trick is to turn loneliness into an encounter with God or something along those lines. Maybe it’s just because the media exposure is so great these days, but I’m more keenly aware of my solitary state now than ever. Same-sex couples getting married all over the place.So in addition to the life-long pressure to conform to heterosexual gender and sex roles, I now have to feel inadequate as a homosexually-oriented man because I’m not married.

I wish I could just go back to bed and start over tomorrow.

Courage

I was finally able to reach one of the guys from the Courage group in Atlanta and that was reassuring. Even if Atlanta isn’t that practical of a meeting place, at least I know someone within a few hours drive is doing something in which I am very interested.

I have a meeting with my priest next week and I’m going to approach him with the information that I’ve been getting from the folks in New York and Atlanta. There seems to be some interest state-wide, but I don’t know how many people we would have and where they all are. One step at a time.

Behold the power of SSA!

After reading a post from a guy who is trying to figure out a way to transition from the “gay scene” into Church life, I decided to write this entry about how to make the most of being a person with SSA in your parish.

First off, I don’t see my SSA as a liability. Alright, sure–I’m not married and making lots of Catholic babies. No, instead, I’m the only guy under 50 who shows up for mass on weekdays, works in the Church ministries that I do, and brings a covered dish to the men’s group meetings. And I can do those things as a result of of my SSA. I don’t have to keep up with my kids or spend time working on my marriage. I have extra time, extra money, and the ability to generally do what I want when I want– a luxury for those living the family life.

traitors to the cause: same-sex marriage

In the news today there are the results of a poll which indicate the first majority of Californians who support same-sex marriage. While California may permanently sanction same-sex marriage, I doubt that it will be an option here in the South for some time, if ever. Alabama’s constitution still retained a (unenforceable) clause which made interracial marriage illegal until 2000, and the state voted to ban same-sex marriage in 2004 with the Sanctity of Marriage Amendment.

The problem for me is this: how the heck do you tell your friends in same-sex relationships that you aren’t fighting for their right to marry? It makes me feel a bit like a traitor. On the other hand, I can’t help but think that “finally, people with SSA are getting some respect and civil liberties that should have been there all along,”. Maybe it’s a necessary step forward  that will finally invite an open dialogue within the Church.

 I’m a perrenial advocate of education, and I’ve always thought that the real problem our society has with sex is that we limit the discussion of the subject and inhibit the distribution of information. I see it in the banned book lists that schools turn out each year. I see it in the Church, hear about it in politics. Sadly, then, our kids get all their education from the t.v. They see sex on The Hills or some crappy show on the WB and they think that’s normal.  Of course kids should be taught morals, but I also think they should know the facts as well. And that includes knowing that some people experience SSA and that it’s just a nautral part of the human sexual spectrum, and for some that means a vocation to chastity and service. I believe that if people would actually talk about the issue instead of just leaving every person to him/herself, it might be possible to dispel the superstitions about homosexually-oriented persons and then we can all breathe a sigh of relief and be done with it. But I’m an idealist.

I guess we’ve all got to pick our own fights. For now, my position is that I will not support any effort to change the Church’s policy on same-sex marriage nor work to change the law in my own state. I won’t protest, I won’t even bitch about it; there’s other work to be done. But if I get invited to a same-sex wedding ceremony, I’m not going to turn it down, either.

sexual identity or a lack thereof

As fascinating as it is to think that the cutting edge of queer theory is defined by a refusal to adopt any one “gay identity,” I am suspicious of the Church for advocating a similar liberation from sexual identity. Of course, much of my suspicion can be traced to Mark Jordan’s Silence of Sodom, which I am currently reading. I’m not finished yet, but the author makes some compelling arguments for the real problem facing the RCC on the issue of homosexuality: a lack of genuine discussion.

Jordan claims that the Church not only has been reluctant to talk about homosexuality, but that it engages in rhetoric which distracts, confuses, and mutes those who would engage in such a dialogue. And yes, the Church does seem to encourage its members with SSA to remain silent, invisible, and to not rock the boat. While I am not about to wear a rainbow flag to mass or challenge the Church’s teachings, do I have to deceive my fellow Church members? Do I have to deny who I am so completely that I am living a lie? There’s a fine line between discretion and lying.

This is not what I want, and I don’t think it’s what is best for the Church or its SSA members. My priest knows who I am, and some parish members whom I trust completely. If I am asked, I like to think that I could have the guts to say “yes, I experience SSA–now can I do my work?”